Dana White Shocks MMA Fans Worldwide by Retiring From the UFC to Form a New, More Extreme Fight Company

Dana White Money

(White, seen here “negotiating” the terms of Anderson Silva’s suspension with NSAC.)

By CP Reader Paul Hurley

Disclaimer: No, Dana White has not actually left the UFC. He did, however, tell reporters that Anderson Silva will continue to coach TUF Brazil despite testing positive for multiple steroids a month prior to his UFC 183 fight against Nick Diaz. With that in mind, enjoy this satirical take on the issue from CP reader Paul Hurley. It is fucking hilarious. — Jared 

In a surprise announcement yesterday, Dana White announced that he was leaving his post with the UFC and starting a new company, the Ultimate Roided Fucking Killers League, which will be the first fight promotion in history to make the usage of PEDs mandatory for every fighter.

“Literally everything good that has ever happened in this sport has been down to steroids,” said White. “URFKL is aiming to provide highly entertaining match-ups suitable for moronic casual fans.”

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He continued:

The NSAC has become a fucking sport killer. How are we supposed to put on high-quality entertainment when all our biggest draws are suspended or injured? How can name-fighters continue to fight well into their 40s without PEDs? In our experience, there’s nothing the casual fan likes more than two obviously ‘roided up superfreaks who have no defensive abilities giving each other concussions in wild brawls that never last more than two minutes. And as everyone knows, the causal fan is a much more lucrative audience than actual fight fans.

In a later interview with Arian Helwinny, White nothing short of boasted that “Every fight company knows this, but we are the first to find a legal loophole so airtight that we can actually admit it.”

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URFKL’s first event is set to take place later this year and will be filmed in a secret location near the North Pole. There will be no weight classes and no weight limit, although a separate division for super-heavyweights shorter than 5’5” is being considered. All offensive techniques will be legal, but defensive footwork and blocking will be strictly prohibited.

“The safety of our fighters is, of course, our top priority,” said White while trying not laugh, “So they will be checked for illegal weapons on the way into the cage. If any weapons are found they will not be confiscated but if they are used during the fight then the offending fighter may face a suspension.”

“We’re just kinda hoping this won’t lead to any serious problems.”

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Weed, however, will remain highly prohibited, according to the former UFC president. “Weed doesn’t make you look like Brock Lesnar, so why are you wasting your money on that shit? At least if they’re on coke they might do something crazy that could help us sell the fight.”

When asked what message URFKL might send to young fighters who want to compete at the top level of MMA without using PEDs, Dana had this to say:

“They need to wake the fuck up. URFKL will be the new top level of MMA and no-one will give a shit about these high-and-mighty fighters with their stupid ideas about honesty and integrity. Jon Fitch vs. Ben Askren? Are you fucking serious? Come on.”

“It’s like we say in the business, ‘You won’t move the needle if you don’t use the needle.’”