Andrei Arlovski and Jens Pulver Both Book Matches They Will Probably Lose at OneFC: ‘Pride of a Nation’

Fedor Emelianenko vs Andrei Arlovski

(You mean to tell me that the guy lying face down in a pool of his own blood WAS ALIVE THE ENTIRE TIME?! No. F’ing. Way.) 

Not too long ago, it was announced that former UFC champions Andrei Arlovski and Jens Pulver had signed with Singapore-based upstart promotion OneFC, and were scheduled to compete on the August 31st scheduled ‘Pride of a Nation’ card against opponents that had yet to be named. Given the pair’s name power, not to mention their hard runs of luck as of late, it was assumed by most that they would likely be featured in a pair of squash matches to help build up their name (also, confidence) within the promotion. It now appears that we have severely underestimated the fellas at OneFC. Or overestimated, we’re not sure.

In either case, Arlovski has been booked to take on fellow UFC castaway and dangerous striker Soa Palelei, who is coming off a 12 second…we guess you’d call it beating, of Bob “Bitch Tits” Sapp at CFC 21 in May. And although just a few years ago, a guy like Palelei would never even be mentioned in the same breath as “The Pit Bull”, we may very likely see him listed as the favorite heading into this matchup as it stands today. Palelei packs a wallop of a punch and Arlvoski’s off switch is easier to find than a dwarf among midgets, so expect “The Hulk” to let his fists go early and often in this one and Arlovski to crumble violently to the mat shortly thereafter. Let’s just hope that Arlovski has finally undergone that Tango and Cash jaw replacement surgery he always wanted, or else he is going to get royally FUBAR’d in this one.

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Since dropping three straight in Strikeforce (two by way of KO), Arlovski has actually put together a two-fight win streak over 7-3 journeyman Ray Lopez and most recently 247-49 (!!!!) journeyman Travis Fulton, whom Arlovski scored a vicious head kick finish over in the very last second of their otherwise snoozer of a scrap at the abysmal ProElite 2: Big Guns event last year. Palelei has not lost since succumbing to a first round submission via strikes at the hands Daniel Cormier at an XMMA event back in 2010. Though we can’t confirm this, we imagine Cormier likely broke at least one of his hands during that performance as well. Seriously, it’s like those things are comprised of equal parts boron and tinsel.

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Former UFC lightweight champion Jens Pulver appears to have booked himself into the exact opposite conundrum, as he is scheduled to square off with undefeated submission specialist Eric Kelly at the same event. Pulver has been able to slightly turn things around as of late, collecting five wins in his past seven contests, but prior to that, he suffered five straight losses, including three straight by way of submission, to round out his WEC career. Pulver most recently picked up a win over 3-4 Jesse Thorton in a flyweight contest in April.

Pulver’s submission game (or lack thereof) will truly be put to the test against a guy like Kelly, who has scored all but one of his professional wins by way of submission. Kelly is 2-0 under the OneFC banner, and last scored a UD win over Bae Young Kwon at OneFC 4: Destiny of Warriors last month. If you recall, this was the same event that saw Roger Huerta nearly decapitated by a soccer kick that instantaneously gave thousands of PRIDE fanboys a full on nerdgasm upon witnessing. For those of you who fell into this demographic (raises hand), don’t worry: It’s not gay if someone almost dies.

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Pulver has been flirting with retirement for what feels like ages, but do you think he can pull off what will easily be his biggest win in years come August 18th?

-J. Jones