Tank Abbott Pulled From Dan Severn Superfight For the Most Tank Abbott of Reasons

Tank Abbott Tired

(For reference, this is “in shape” Tank Abbott.)

(*wipes away tear*)

Guys, I’m not quite sure how to break this, so I’ll just come right out and say it. You remember that mother of all freakshow fights between Tank Abbott and Dan Severn that was supposed to headline that insanely-awesome looking UR Fight card this weekend? You know, the one that was set to feature Sonnen vs. Bisping in a grappling match, Angle vs. Mysterio in a professional wrestling match, and Roy Jones Jr. killing a guy? The one that was basically the summation of everything great about America in an era dominated by PC feminazi libtards who want to take away our guns?

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It’s off. The fight is off and my heart is literally tearing in two right now.

And why has Abbott vs. Severn been called off, you ask? Oh, only because of the stupidest reason of them all: SAFETY CONCERNS. As MMAFighting reports:

A rematch between legends Dan Severn and Tank Abbott has been scrapped.

Abbott could not pass his physical and has been removed from the fight against fellow UFC veteran Severn by the Arizona Boxing and MMA Commission, a spokesman for UR Fight confirmed with MMA Fighting on Thursday morning. A replacement is being sought.

Now, before you take to the streets to burn everything held sacred by this unjust world to the ground, you should know that the event itself is still scheduled to go on as planned, and a last-minute replacement opponent is being sought for Severn (please let it be Royce Gracie, please let it be Royce Gracie…). It would appear that the near-death of Dada 5000 at Bellator 149 has once again reared its ugly head, forcing athletic commissions around the country to step up their game and only sanction fights between “healthy” and “able-bodied” fighters.

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It’s a f*cking disgrace if you ask me, even if it does make you wonder how Tank Abbott couldn’t pass a physical that this guy could:

I mean, come on. Tank could destroy this chump with a belly full of chicken wings and a half-empty keg tied to his belt, Always Sunny-style.

We’ll be sure to keep you updated when/if Severn’s new opponent is announced, but one thing’s for sure: this does not bode well for The Beast’s proposed “Master’s Division.” Hell, it doesn’t bode well for America.