Steven Seagal Teaches The Butterfly Punch (Satire)Posted on May 4, 2011, 10:38 PM by codemaster
The dojo is dimly lit in the pre-dawn stillness. Anderson, Lyoto and Ed Soarez are chatting in Portugese when suddenly, eerie music sounds from the public address system, and the lights dim--smoke billows out from the men's washroom door as it slowly opens--a flaming light comes from behind the door as a portly silhouette is revealed in the doorway.
Lyoto: Hey Anderson! There's a fire--we better ring the alarm and call the fire department!
He begins rushing for his iphone, but Ed grabs his arm.
Ed: Wait Lyoto, I don't think it's a fire.
Anderson: Not a fire, Ed?
Ed: I know that smell--I think it is dry ice!
Lyoto: Dry ice?
Ed: You know, frozen carbon dioxide--like in the old Pride days.
Anderson: Oh yes...that stuff.
Lyoto: (coughing) Is it poisonous?
Ed: Well, there is a hell of a lot of it. Maybe just to be safe, we should step back a little.
Anderson: (coughing and stepping back) Yes...is that CO2 good for the planet?
Slowly emerging from the swirling artificial fog is Steven Seagal actor/sublime martial arts master, dressed in a black gi complete with a gold lame belt performing an intricate kata appearing like a man wearing weird shooting glasses performing a moonwalk while slapping vigorously at mosquitoes.
Anderson: Ah Steven...my good friend and teacher! (looks over at Machida and grins) The man who taught me the front kick!
Machida: Yes, and who taught me the front kick too. So many years I would kick sideways and backwards, but when you came along and taught us that kicks could be forward also, I still slap my forehead in amazement!
Seagal: Thank you padwan. It is my duty to pass on the secret lore of the ancients. These foolish commentators don't realize that, yes, you knew the crane kick--but not until you met me did you know the Whooping Crane Kick.
Ed: Isn't padwan from Star Wars? That doesn't sound very ancient to me.
Seagal: (in a deadly quiet voice) Are you questioning my authority as a martial arts master Ed?
Ed: No Steven, no, I wouldn't do that.
Seagal: That's good, because if I want to call my fucking student padwan--I can do it...are we clear on that Ed?
Ed: Sure Steven--we're clear on that.
Anderson: So master Steven--what will you teach me how to defeat Yushin Okami--I have been tossing and turning, unable to sleep, thinking of the giant challenge Okami is to my championship belt.
Seagal: (tries to put an arm around Silva's shoulders, but gives up after three unsuccessful attempts) Padwan, I have come here today to teach you a technique that I invented--The Butterfly Soars Over The Cherry Blossom Punch.
Machida: Oooooh! That sounds deadly...
Ed: A butterfly punch sounds deadly...?
(Ed snaps his mouth shut after a frosty glare from Seagal)
Anderson: I trust your martial arts wisdom Steven--you are a great man who has taught us so much.
Seagal: Anderson, get into your fighting stance and try to defend the Butterfly Punch.
Anderson, hands on his hips, waits for Seagal.
Seagal: Well...assume your fighting stance.
Anderson: But Steven, this IS my fighting stance.
Seagal: Nevermind, pretend you're another fighter and put your hands up.
Anderson: OK Steven--I will pretend.
(Silva raises his hands)
Seagal: Now watch this closely, I am only going to perform it once--and everyone here is sworn to secrecy--at least until after the fight--then I will let the fans and Dana White know the source of your fighting knowledge.
(Seagal performs a slow strike looping over Silva's guard)
Seagal: There. Now you know the secret--use it wisely padwans.
Lyoto: Wow! I've never seen a punch quite like that. And thank you for doing it in slow motion so we would not miss the subtleness of the strike.
Seagal: What are you talking about padwan, that wasn't slow motion--I punched Anderson three times.
Anderson: Yes Lyoto, that punch is completely different from any punch I have ever seen. Awesome!
Ed: It just looked like a slow overhand right to me.
Seagal: Ed, how many fights have you been in?
Ed: None Steven. How about you?
Seagal: Plenty Ed. But I am not allowed to talk about them. They were in the Himalayas between grandmaster Slapkido ninja kung fu green beret sambo warriors and me. And I beat them all silly Ed...something you should remember.
Ed: I will Steven.
Anderson: Oh my good friend and teacher--can you show us that submlime strike one more time...please!
Seagal: I'm sorry Anderson, but I fear I have already revealed too much ancient lore today.
(Scratches his protuberant belly)
Seagal: Well that's enough training for today. Feel like breakfast at Denny's? I'm starving.