Steven Seagal Teaches The Butterfly Punch (Satire)
Posted on May 4, 2011, 10:38 PM by codemasterThe dojo is dimly lit in the pre-dawn stillness. Anderson, Lyoto and Ed Soarez are chatting in Portugese when suddenly, eerie music sounds from the public address system, and the lights dim--smoke billows out from the men's washroom door as it slowly opens--a flaming light comes from behind the door as a portly silhouette is revealed in the doorway.
Lyoto: Hey Anderson! There's a fire--we better ring the alarm and call the fire department!
He begins rushing for his iphone, but Ed grabs his arm.
Ed: Wait Lyoto, I don't think it's a fire.
Anderson: Not a fire, Ed?
Ed: I know that smell--I think it is dry ice!
Lyoto: Dry ice?
Ed: You know, frozen carbon dioxide--like in the old Pride days.
Anderson: Oh yes...that stuff.
Lyoto: (coughing) Is it poisonous?
Ed: Well, there is a hell of a lot of it. Maybe just to be safe, we should step back a little.
Anderson: (coughing and stepping back) Yes...is that CO2 good for the planet?
Slowly emerging from the swirling artificial fog is Steven Seagal actor/sublime martial arts master, dressed in a black gi complete with a gold lame belt performing an intricate kata appearing like a man wearing weird shooting glasses performing a moonwalk while slapping vigorously at mosquitoes.
Anderson: Ah Steven...my good friend and teacher! (looks over at Machida and grins) The man who taught me the front kick!
Machida: Yes, and who taught me the front kick too. So many years I would kick sideways and backwards, but when you came along and taught us that kicks could be forward also, I still slap my forehead in amazement!
Seagal: Thank you padwan. It is my duty to pass on the secret lore of the ancients. These foolish commentators don't realize that, yes, you knew the crane kick--but not until you met me did you know the Whooping Crane Kick.
Ed: Isn't padwan from Star Wars? That doesn't sound very ancient to me.
Seagal: (in a deadly quiet voice) Are you questioning my authority as a martial arts master Ed?
Ed: No Steven, no, I wouldn't do that.
Seagal: That's good, because if I want to call my fucking student padwan--I can do it...are we clear on that Ed?
Ed: Sure Steven--we're clear on that.
Anderson: So master Steven--what will you teach me how to defeat Yushin Okami--I have been tossing and turning, unable to sleep, thinking of the giant challenge Okami is to my championship belt.
Seagal: (tries to put an arm around Silva's shoulders, but gives up after three unsuccessful attempts) Padwan, I have come here today to teach you a technique that I invented--The Butterfly Soars Over The Cherry Blossom Punch.
Machida: Oooooh! That sounds deadly...
Ed: A butterfly punch sounds deadly...?
(Ed snaps his mouth shut after a frosty glare from Seagal)
Anderson: I trust your martial arts wisdom Steven--you are a great man who has taught us so much.
Seagal: Anderson, get into your fighting stance and try to defend the Butterfly Punch.
Anderson, hands on his hips, waits for Seagal.
Seagal: Well...assume your fighting stance.
Anderson: But Steven, this IS my fighting stance.
Seagal: Nevermind, pretend you're another fighter and put your hands up.
Anderson: OK Steven--I will pretend.
(Silva raises his hands)
Seagal: Now watch this closely, I am only going to perform it once--and everyone here is sworn to secrecy--at least until after the fight--then I will let the fans and Dana White know the source of your fighting knowledge.
(Seagal performs a slow strike looping over Silva's guard)
Seagal: There. Now you know the secret--use it wisely padwans.
Lyoto: Wow! I've never seen a punch quite like that. And thank you for doing it in slow motion so we would not miss the subtleness of the strike.
Seagal: What are you talking about padwan, that wasn't slow motion--I punched Anderson three times.
Anderson: Yes Lyoto, that punch is completely different from any punch I have ever seen. Awesome!
Ed: It just looked like a slow overhand right to me.
Seagal: Ed, how many fights have you been in?
Ed: None Steven. How about you?
Seagal: Plenty Ed. But I am not allowed to talk about them. They were in the Himalayas between grandmaster Slapkido ninja kung fu green beret sambo warriors and me. And I beat them all silly Ed...something you should remember.
Ed: I will Steven.
Anderson: Oh my good friend and teacher--can you show us that submlime strike one more time...please!
Seagal: I'm sorry Anderson, but I fear I have already revealed too much ancient lore today.
(Scratches his protuberant belly)
Seagal: Well that's enough training for today. Feel like breakfast at Denny's? I'm starving.
Comments
why is this in the news section.
LMFAO But Steven this is my fighting stance.
this is just wonderful
ahaha this should be circulated
wait lyoto i dont think its a fire
apparently some people didnt find this funny. i on the otherhand find it hilarious
lmao great story
"that wasn't slow motion--I punched Anderson three times."
Ed: It just looked like a slow overhand right to me
This IS funny but really it is disappointing to me that Seagal isn't given more respect by the MMA community. Clearly Lyoto and Anderson knew the kick before Seagal started working with them but he may be approaching the kick from a different angle regarding application. They clearly hold him in high regard and his approach to training isn't hurting their game any.
What honorable and revered master of martial arts rushes out to boast to the press and Dana White that he 'taught' his pupils a commonly used kick?
Would you do that? I have known some great and honorable sense's before, and none of them would have stooped to such behavior.
Let's assume for a moment that Steven Seagal really did teach a standard karate kick to a 3rd degree blackbelt whose blackbelt father taught him karate from the age of three and who won numerous international karate championships---even it he did teach them something new--is it appropriate to crow about it to the press? To take credit for teaching these common strikes to professional fighters?
Machida in an interview after the fight admitted to a direct question by Stephan Bonnar that he did not learn anything new from Seagal, but that Seagal 'reinforced' what he already knew and his father had taught him.
Finally, I've got eyes in my head and so do most fans who watch and participate in MMA--there was nothing in either kick by Silva or Machida that was new--nothing. I have seen those kicks hundreds of times. They were well executed kicks, with excellent timing against opponents who kept their arms parallel to their bodies--leaving a huge gap for a front kick--but both Anderson and Lyoto pulled off knockout front kicks to their opponents.
Nothing in those kicks was new. Nothing.
There can be no rational conclusion to draw from Seagal's boasts of teaching two true and proven Masters how to fight except that Seagal is delusional and egotistcal beyond belief, and that Silva and Machida like rubbing shoulders with movie stars.
*Stands up and claps*
Thank you Codemaster. I couldn't have worded it any better than that.
This is just like arguing with a Bruce Lee fanatic on the topic that he could destroy a top MMA fighter or a legendary specialist like Gene LeBell. It's beyond asinine and delusional. You can't talk to fans of this nature with logic, they live in a world where logic doesn't exist unfortunately.
You actually didn't contradict what I wrote. As for Steven having nothing new to teach these guys, I have to disagree. As an Aikido master he has a totally different approach to getting the fight to the ground from what these guys are accustomed to. I am well aware of the execution Lyoto used existing before Steven showed up. It is demonstrated in Kanku Dai, a mid level Shotokan Kata, complete with the rear leg feint.
Thanks Doom.
It's not just logic, but proof. I know Machida's and Silva's record against some of the toughest real fighters in the world. Both of them are proven Masters of Martial Arts.
I really cannot judge the fighting ability of the two movie actors mentioned because I have never seen them in a real fight against top competition.
Exactly but that's the point. Neither Lee or Seagal ever fought professionally, or fought a top ranked fighter. I'm sure Seagal is a great martial artist (skill-wise) but he's just that... an actor. And that is what fans should accept.
Seagal-Gate has the martial arts community by the testicles.
You two should have sex.
Still have a hard on for Seagull.
You actually believe a movie actor can teach professional fighters how to fight? eh eh.
You should change your name to IJokePeople.
' )